Casual Sex is defined as ‘Sexual activity between people who are not established sexual partners or do not know each other well’
For a long time, I was convinced that the best way to be good at casual sex was to stay as out of my feelings as much as possible. So, treat sex like a transaction of sorts; bring your penis and I’ll bring my vagina and we will make the sex and then we will part ways. And it worked, of course it worked, well sometimes it worked. My sexual partners weren’t looking for anything ‘serious’ either and neither of us would feel the need to check in with the other, we were simply people who fucked. Then I got older and realised I had been missing something from the formula; my feelings.
The concept of casual sex almost demands that you have sex with no feelings attached, we are taught that when you feel things for a person you sleep with then they are obliged to also have those same feelings for you and it is supposed to grow into love and marriage and babies and all the other intricacies of society. So, when you have sex with people causally it seems silly to involve your emotions, but if you are always avoiding your feelings, what happens when you actually need them? What happens if you decide to move away from casual sex and explore other romantic relationship models? The ones that require you to show some form of emotion and attachment, how comfortable is the transition from one to the other?
There is an assumption that when we meet ‘the one’ things will just fall into place, and all that love and care for that person will appear and be ever present. But like every other part of the body, I believe that emotions need to be exercised, used often and be available for all interactions and models of being. I propose that we begin to approach casual sex like we approach all other forms of romantic relationships; fully aware of our intentions and open to growth. Allowing ourselves to care for the other person in ways we usually stop ourselves from caring. Practicing using our feelings within clear constructed boundaries.
Exploring our feelings and boundaries in a way that allows us to exercise them and keep them limber for when we may want to change or restructure the way we practice relationships. And on the plus side we all know the better you know somebody and the more comfortable you are, the better the sex. And isn’t that the whole point of it all? To have great sex. And so, as I get older and begin to engage in more intricate romantic relationships but also the one-off casual sex situation, I have learnt to ask myself repeatedly ‘am I exercising my feelings and emotions well in this situation?’
Now to you reader, will you be exercising your emotions more?