Sometimes I do things not because it is something I particularly love to do, but because I never want to feel like I failed. It’s a constant battle between what is seemingly right and what actually makes me happy.
I have been working at becoming a Solicitor for the last 7 years, I’ve moved the goal post so many times, I don’t even know where it is anymore – “if it doesn’t happen by the time I’m *insert age between 22 and 29* then I’m giving up.” I just turned 30 at the beginning of June, and up until just before lockdown I was STILL chasing the dream.
You’ll be glad to know that I’m on a Training Contract, at last! I thought I’d be happier but I won’t say that out loud – bad vibes to the universe and all that. Considering how long I’ve waited for this to happen, I really can’t wait for it to be done; not because I can see myself thriving as a hotshot Solicitor working ungodly hours, but because I just want to complete this chapter so that I can finally allow myself to discover what’s next.
Recently, I have immersed myself in the Black Lives Matter movement and it’s made me tie in my fear of failure to being a Black woman. Do I push myself to finish things for myself or for everyone else around me and how they’ll view me? Do I work so hard just to prove that Black people – Black women can do it too? I think I do. If we have learnt nothing else in the calls for justice for Breonna Taylor, we have learnt that we have to work a million times harder to be recognised, even by our own. I personally am tired of it, if in death there continues to be a fight, then while we are alive I truly believe that we should be able to do what we genuinely love and enjoy without having to prove ourselves to whoever may be watching.
Moving forward (after I qualify, because I still need to finish the chapter!) I am going to do more of what makes me happy. I am going to write more because that’s what I always wanted to do; I am going to take more pictures because no matter how hard I try to become a serious runner, I can’t, because I always have to stop to take a snap of the ever changing view! I am going to take more holidays, I am going to do so many more things, without expectation because #BlackWomanJoy matters too – no matter what anyone else thinks.